Sunday, September 18, 2005's wait, it's Sunday now. Sigh. Feel like I'm wasting my time doing nothing at all. My studies are going down the drain and so am I. Did you ever get the feeling that an ominous karma of impending doom keeps on surrounding you? Well, I believe I am a victim of such thing. Everyday I lie in sleepless nights, fearing the worst and reliving nightmares each time I dared to close my eyes. Why is this happening to me? Is it because of the disasters that had happened a lot these days? Although this might sound silly, and that I am very far away from those earth-shaking disasters, but I keep on having weird dreams of me dying in those disasters. So far, a bomb explosion(in my dreams!) killed my loved ones first before killing me-this was after the WTC disaster; and a tsunami that killed me, my mum and my sis(dreams again!)-just a few months after the tsunami disaster. So now, the Katrina hurricane. Hoping deperately that I won't be receiving any doomed dreams from it...I can't bear the thought of it. It's way too scary!
Okay, a huge shift in topic. Again I question the infallible topic: love. What is love? Is it really as worth it as people always say? Is love really so great that the phrase 'love will conquer it all' was generated by all means? What is, L-O-V-E? What good does it do in our lives? Sure, there will be love amongst families and relations. But what about strangers? What about those that are not even related to you? What ties do you have with them? Are we supposed to face love in the eye? Are we supposed to believe in the superstitious 'red-thread' that has been said to reunite fate between two lovers? I seriously don't get it. If love is so great, why does it hurt so much? If love is so great, why do people take advantage over it? Are we supposed to do so? Are we supposed to hunt it down? Are we supposed to embrace it?
This is a silly thing to say, but somehow I doubt if I can even feel it. Sure, there might be some love-lost between me and my family, but apart from that, it's an empty feeling. Devoid of anything. I hate love. I hate anything that has to do with it. I hate feeling the jagged knife of pain that slices my heart each time someone hurts me whether unintentionally or otherwise. I hate the fake mask I put on each time my friends ask whether I'm okay but I'm not. I hate the gloom of depression that blankets me each and everyday. I hate the fact that I am always bylooked and used to woo someone else. I really hate my life. All I want is someone to really care for me, someone that I am really comfortable with, someone that can be my life. But somehow, I doubt it. My life is destined to be alone. Alone, without a single shred of hope. Just like the Angel of Darkness.

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