Monday, July 04, 2005

I don't know what is wrong with me. Why am I feeling suddenly depressed? Why is it that I am suddenly thinking about all of these things? Why am I suddenly feeling helluva guilty? Wait, maybe it's cause I AM guilty. Guilty of deception. I am actually feeling rather sick right now and tired,even though I can't sleep (it's 2.38am right now and I'm having school in less than 5 hours time!). I keep thinking about how selfish I am. All right, I won't speak the name out, but I have a feeling that anyone can guess who the heck I am talking about anyway.
I am feeling guilty and conscience-stricken. True, this is possibly mostly my fault anyway. I have led someone into believing that I have changed, and that I am ready to commit myself into something I am afraid of in the first place. And the worst part is, he believe me. This is going to be rather jumbled up but I'll just speak out anyway. Honestly, there is a part of me that won't stop loving him, even if I am not sure what sort of love. And I really wish that I could really commit myself with him. But the truth is, I am very afraid to do so. Not sure why though. But come to think of it, the previous men (they sound more sophisticated that saying 'boys' anyway) I've been with are rather happy-go-lucky and understanding in nearly all ways. I feel really at home with them, though I can't say about my first since I have been feeling awkward with him a lot. Andy, however, was better. Perhaps it is because we are just couples by name and not in reality that I can mix with him well. Seriously.
I think my real problem here is that I am not suitable with him. I don't know how to say this...put it this way, I am like the oil when he is the water. We do not mix. True, he is a good guy, too good actually, and I don't want to hurt him. But if I think back properly, I do not really talk to him much anyway...Oh man, I am really frightened now. I don't know what to do, honestly. I want to tell him how much he means to me, but I do not want this to continue..but I'm afraid of his reaction. On the other hand, I can't lie to him...not like this...Damn, what am I to do? I can't sleep cause of this...and I'm really scared of what will happen if I tell him. Damn Damn Damn....

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