Tuesday, June 07, 2005

It has been awhile since I last wrote here. Didn't do much anyway during this hols. I've been playing TS Online for nearly 24/7. I guess I'm pretty addicted to that game...But then again, I doubt if I can play it that much once school starts, so why not play my heart's content right now? Yeah, right! As if my mum will let me. She's been nagging at me nonstop about my studies. Yeah, yeah, I know that it's my bad. It's understandable. Every mom would sure want her children to excel. But man, how I WISH I can just play that game until I'm thoroughly satisfied!
Oh yeah, my depression's coming in again. I think this time it's pretty bad. I won't talk to my friends, not even to those that are close to me. I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it my conscience? Or is it my own wild imagination? Why do I always get the feeling that I'm betrayed, or sometimes, that I am left in the dark? I don't know where to turn to anymore. Every path I see is just as gloomy as the other. True, there is no such thing as an easy road, unless you count deceit and spite. But I'd rather avoid that. Oh man, my emotions are so mixed up! I'm afraid to burst out, cause I'm afraid that I'll hurt anyone. Steffie said I'm a big softie, that is why people keep on taking advantage of me. Is that true? Somehow, deep inside me, I think that's true too. But I can't help it. It's me. It's me since I had my huge fight with Als. How can I stop this feeling? Is this emotion a curse or a blessing? I really don't know. I might be able to spare other people from this tumbling emotions, but what about me? Does anyone actually think about how I would feel? Do they even care? Do they even know how hard is it to live it up? Do they know that I always wear a mask when I'm with them? Do they know that I'm just a big coward, and not a brave, reckless girl as they call me sometimes? Do they know anything? No, I doubt it. I doubt it all. No one knows me, and no one shall ever do. I am just me, and I can't change that fact. Perhaps I'm just meant to be alone, lock out from the society, live in the dark. Yes, perhaps that is better off for me. Perhaps it would be best to sever ties with everyone. But...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what would happen if I do. I'm being selfish, yes, but I can't cope up anymore. Oh, I really don't know what to do anymore...

No comments: