Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Okay, this emotions of mine is really driving me CRAZY! Not only am I to face the terrible conscience of mine, I'm supposed to even sacrifice my feelings for everyone else? Give me a break, people...can't you at LEAST try to get along for me? Or is that just too selfish of me to ask. And what the heck is this about one asking me to accompany the other, and the other ignoring me most of the time anyway? Not that I care much, since I prefer being on my own anyway, but HELL!! Please don't take me as a person that is so willingly able to sacrifice her time for anyone anywhere. Puh-leaze man! I may be a pushover at all times, but don't test my limit. I have my own line of endurance too you know...
So my big day is coming soon..No, it's not my birthday. It's my very own first International Understanding Day a.k.a. IU Day. Why is this day special to me? Well, there are two reasons for it. Firstly, as the IU Director, I am more or less jointly in charge of this event (we're merging with another school for this event). And secondly, I will be playing in a small orchestral band as one of the performers there. I really wish that two of the important people to me would come, but I know for sure that they will kill me if I invite the both of them. Which then refers back to my first complain up there. They can't even cooperate for my sake, huh? Guess it's just too much to ask from simple, dumb ol' me. Ah well, I should be immune to this by now anyway.
Another thing that bothers me quite a lot is that I can't seem to be able to commit myself in a relationship. And now I'm in a dilemma. Should I just let it go, or should I just try my best to commit? Or am I just not ready? I am the type that will forget to contact anyone, unless I'm needed to, and I rarely contact anyone when I am free either-unless that I'm bored I mean. And these days, I seriously rarely contact anyone at all, not even to my best friend nor my lil bro. So, how can I explain that to HIM? I mean, I do understand that he might feel hurt that I did not bother to try and contact him or whatsoever, but that is just who I am...I really don't know what to do now...Should I just break it off?
So now, my emotions are on work is overloading pretty much. And they ask me why am I forever so happy-go-lucky. What can I say, I hate letting people know how I really feel. Now I know how it really feels to be depressed. So depressed that I feel like dying now. But I won't do anything so dumb like slicing my wrist cause of this. No, the worst that would happen is that I would merely lock myself in my room for quite some time, or to shout and scream by using a pillow to muffle the noise. Perhaps Steffie was right, I am such a big softie. So pathetic and useable.

No comments: