It's yet another boring day in college. Feels kind of sad, feels kind of lonely. But what is there to say when I am all alone? I am me, I am who I am. I wish for peace in mind. I wish to be accepted. I want not to be alone. Not anymore. But what can I do? I am powerless. I cannot force others to like me. I cannot force others to love me. I cannot force them to be friends with me. Oh how I miss you so, Als! I miss you greatly. Amidst my loneliness I wonder...are you feeling lonely too? Or are you contented with your life there? You have Taha there at least, but I have no one here. Yes, I mean it. I have no one! My cousins, well, they are older than me for one thing. For another thing, I cannot depend on them, particularly this one cousin who is forever acting like a brat to me. How he annoys me so! I want a friend to confide in. I want a friend to laugh and cry with. I just want a friend who won't abandon me. I am sick of this life. Is this what it is called culture shock? Is this a challenge I must overcome? If so, how am I to overcome it? I do not want to spend my time all alone. I do not want to spend my time watching others go along as I am consumed with envy. I want a friend. I want someone who is willing to spend their time with me. I have a friend. Yes, I do. But I am not close with her. Why is that? She prioritize boys ahead of me. Yes, she does. Perhaps this sounds selfish, perhaps this sounds immature. But I really want a friend that will prioritize me rather than anyone else; as I would have done the same. Perhaps this is not the problem. No, I don't think so. My sadness and sorrow is that she will abandon me or break our study/lunch dates just for a guy. Sad, isn't it? Perhaps I should be happy for her. Perhaps I should just tell her how I feel. But either way, would she even listen to me? No, somehow I don't think so. She would just laugh and smile and apologize. I feel lonely deep down. I'm afraid I might end up in depression all over again. I do not want to be depressed. It is very hard to cope with it. I want company. I ache for secret-sharings. I want a friend. I want you, Alicia. Really I do.
So now, I am in college. Unsurprisingly, I am alone. I had invited my friend for lunch but she said she was not hungry. So I met her at the library. Guess what? She was busy chatting with a guy via e-messenger online. Then she was chatting with a few other guys who came to greet her. Okay, so what is so bad about that? Nothing, really. I'm fine with that. But what pissed me off was that she said she was not hungry, but later she is not here, so that would only mean she had gone out for lunch with them. I really hate her. Yes, I do. I tried to curb this feeling, but I can't anymore. I'm really sad that I do not have a particular friend to gossip with. True, she is a good friend when it comes to secrets or gossips. But what good is that when she will ditch you after promising to meet up later? I really hate it. I really hate her. I really hate this college. I hate my life.
Now I can only hope I don't burst into tears later. I hope I won't succumb into depression later. People are staring at my getup cause I look weird. But why should I care? I don't care anymore. My heart will beat a trifle faster at the thought of them staring at me. But who cares? Let them stare!! Let me hide my emotions. Pray I am able to hide it flawlessly. But I doubt it. I won't be good at it. But I can try. My class begins in 50 minutes time. Huzzah for me. Maths. Like my mind is even prepared for that. But because I am to take this class, I might as well get this done and done. Enough is enough. I've written far too long. This is tiring. Not to mention uneasy as I'm using the computer in the library. It is pretty exposed. So I am stopping my poor rant here. Sayonara~