It's yet another boring day in college. Feels kind of sad, feels kind of lonely. But what is there to say when I am all alone? I am me, I am who I am. I wish for peace in mind. I wish to be accepted. I want not to be alone. Not anymore. But what can I do? I am powerless. I cannot force others to like me. I cannot force others to love me. I cannot force them to be friends with me. Oh how I miss you so, Als! I miss you greatly. Amidst my loneliness I wonder...are you feeling lonely too? Or are you contented with your life there? You have Taha there at least, but I have no one here. Yes, I mean it. I have no one! My cousins, well, they are older than me for one thing. For another thing, I cannot depend on them, particularly this one cousin who is forever acting like a brat to me. How he annoys me so! I want a friend to confide in. I want a friend to laugh and cry with. I just want a friend who won't abandon me. I am sick of this life. Is this what it is called culture shock? Is this a challenge I must overcome? If so, how am I to overcome it? I do not want to spend my time all alone. I do not want to spend my time watching others go along as I am consumed with envy. I want a friend. I want someone who is willing to spend their time with me. I have a friend. Yes, I do. But I am not close with her. Why is that? She prioritize boys ahead of me. Yes, she does. Perhaps this sounds selfish, perhaps this sounds immature. But I really want a friend that will prioritize me rather than anyone else; as I would have done the same. Perhaps this is not the problem. No, I don't think so. My sadness and sorrow is that she will abandon me or break our study/lunch dates just for a guy. Sad, isn't it? Perhaps I should be happy for her. Perhaps I should just tell her how I feel. But either way, would she even listen to me? No, somehow I don't think so. She would just laugh and smile and apologize. I feel lonely deep down. I'm afraid I might end up in depression all over again. I do not want to be depressed. It is very hard to cope with it. I want company. I ache for secret-sharings. I want a friend. I want you, Alicia. Really I do.
So now, I am in college. Unsurprisingly, I am alone. I had invited my friend for lunch but she said she was not hungry. So I met her at the library. Guess what? She was busy chatting with a guy via e-messenger online. Then she was chatting with a few other guys who came to greet her. Okay, so what is so bad about that? Nothing, really. I'm fine with that. But what pissed me off was that she said she was not hungry, but later she is not here, so that would only mean she had gone out for lunch with them. I really hate her. Yes, I do. I tried to curb this feeling, but I can't anymore. I'm really sad that I do not have a particular friend to gossip with. True, she is a good friend when it comes to secrets or gossips. But what good is that when she will ditch you after promising to meet up later? I really hate it. I really hate her. I really hate this college. I hate my life.
Now I can only hope I don't burst into tears later. I hope I won't succumb into depression later. People are staring at my getup cause I look weird. But why should I care? I don't care anymore. My heart will beat a trifle faster at the thought of them staring at me. But who cares? Let them stare!! Let me hide my emotions. Pray I am able to hide it flawlessly. But I doubt it. I won't be good at it. But I can try. My class begins in 50 minutes time. Huzzah for me. Maths. Like my mind is even prepared for that. But because I am to take this class, I might as well get this done and done. Enough is enough. I've written far too long. This is tiring. Not to mention uneasy as I'm using the computer in the library. It is pretty exposed. So I am stopping my poor rant here. Sayonara~

Sick of life...

Yeah,as what the title claims to say. I'm so sick and tired of life nowadays. All I get are just complaints, complaints, and more complaints! And what worse, inefficient people! True, I am also pretty inefficient myself, but not to the extent of giving false information and then not being there to settle things properly! What am I talking about? Well...it's a long story. But it happened yesterday and I'm still pretty bitter about it. Lucky thing I've decided to write today and not yesterday as I wanted to, else this post will be filled with goodness-knows-how-many profanities. Haha. So you still want to hear the story? Well, here goes...

The day before yesterday, I received a call from my faculty asking me to meet the person in charge for the PTPTN loan (Let's call that lovely lady here Ms.E). Well, when I went to meet her, which was during maths class, she told me that I had to open a new bank acocunt at the Muamalat Bank by-get this-FRIDAY. Uhh, hello? That day it was a Wednesday. The next day was a Thursday. And I have CLASSES on BOTH days!! So yeah, I was kind of blur then, cause somehow I didn't connect the days with the time yet. But when I did, my mind was pissed. I mean, what the hell man! One freaking lousy day JUST TO OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT??? So okay, I just said okay to her. After all, I want that loan. But I was wondering this: What would have happened if I didn't inform the dean that there was no news regarding my loan? Would Ms.E still leave my bloody applocation in pending? And what the hell does she mean by 'It will be posted on Friday, so we need a copy of your bank book from Bank Muamalat'. CAN'T SHE AT LEAST TELL ME A WEEK EARLIER?????????
Grrrr.....anyway, I asked her where the bank was and she gave me VAGUE directions to the bank. She told me it was somewhere around Asia Cafe. Take note however, Asia Cafe is located beside Taylors College AND INTI College. So yeah, I left home at about 9.30am. Reached that bloody place at about 10.10am. And get this: I COULDN'T FIND THAT BLOODY BANK EVEN AFTER CIRCLING THAT WHOLE AREA FOR ONE AND THE HALF BLOODY HOUR!!! What the hell man....some directions that lousy good for nothing....*censored*
Okay,that was just to lighten me up. Anyways, by 11.40am I was pissed. Damn mad. I kept cursing all the way. I even went to this funny shopping 'complex' in which I had to pay RM1.50 to enter cause there weren't any parking spaces outside JUST IN ENQUIRE IF THERE ARE ANY MUAMALAT BANKS. What a waste of time and money. So then I decided to reroute back to my college to ask again where the hell is the bank from Ms.E. And when I went....my psychology lecturer told me that she had gone to the immigration for goddess-knows-what-reason. Gaargh!! So then I asked her (my physology lecturer) whether she knows the whereabouts of the bank. All it took was like, 5 minutes to get THE PROPER directions. And the sad thing is, IT IS NOWHERE NEAR ASIA CAFE! Arrrgh!!! Bloody staff...I was so about to vomit blood. Cause I know where the heck it was after that (Opposite the Subang Jaya Medical Center). Stupid directions....I was so goddamn pissed off I felt tears of rage forming in my eyes...more than once! That shows how mad I was then.
Luckily Ritha was there to cool me off. Else I'll just end up in a freakin bad mood for the rest of the day. But what the hell man...driving for one and the half hours made me so freakin tired. Had a headache in the class later on, and it was a public speaking class. My turn to deliver my speech hasn't arrive yet. Phew! So after class I went back, switched on my computer to continue my anime downloads, grabbed Mai Hime cds to watch downstairs, and tried to relax by NOT sleeping. My mum was sleeping then and boy oh boy, what peace! When she woke up, she was, as usual, grumpy. *sigh* always grumpy. She's sick by the way. And I know I should have stayed downstairs. But I was so damn tired! It was almost as though my physical strength was drained out, literally. I wonder why...
Okay so that was yesterday. I 'passed out' at about 9pm then. Haha. So early. And thus today begins a new day...I'm about to meet up with killua, daigoro,keako,yukina and benee soon. We're to visit the tailor to check out our costumes (yay!). So I shall keep everyone updated if I'm in the mood for it....heh

Sayonara bunny-chan!!!!

Today...is a sad day for me....a good friend, bunny-chan, from the Comic Fiesta forum, will finally spread her wings and soar...far far away from Malaysia.
...
.....
.......
HALT!!!!
Hahahaha...who am I kidding there? I sound so goddamn serious. Hahahaha... But I still feel sad all the same. Imagine not being able to see bunny-chan for another few years...I can't even meet her during this year's Comic Fiesta event *sobsob* and this will be my first time attending that event too!!! *cries*
Bunny-Chan, you will be missed greatly!! We love you presence and your wacky sense of humour!!! *hugs bunny-chan tightly*
Okay, on the other side of discussion for me...my house is almost done!!! Weeee....!!!! My room has already been painted maroon on one side and light light pink on the other three(man, i HATE pink!! but my sis chose the colour for the remaining walls when I was in college =____=). And my mum bought for me a chest of drawers from Ikea so yippee!! Yay!! I just wish I had the glass cabinet...*sighs* never mind, I'll make full use of the cute white shelves I'm planning to get from Ikea...gonna buy figurines and litter the shelves with 'em. Heh.
Only a few more weeks before we will finally move in...I think. And I'm in a dilemma on how to clear my freakin' room!! Very Very VERY MESSY!!! Aaaaaaah...... *pulls out hair* I'm doomed....*runs away*
Okay okay, I need to bathe. Was in my new house for one whole freakin day!! I need hygiene management man....

A Walk In My Shoes...

What is it with life and people living it?
What is it with health and wealth and how they abuse it?
What is it with fear or acceptance over something new?
Why must we shun something different, when we are all unalike another?

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A walk in my shoes...

I woke up again,
To the gloomy skies beyond,
Staring at the cracked ceiling,
I wondered what will it be today,
Will I be finally accepted?
Or will I be shunned again?
Why, oh why must I be scorned?
I am just like you,
A girl, with emotions, with feelings,
I wish to be loved, and love in return,
I wish for happiness and understanding,
Just like you.

I walked and walked,
Volleys of hisses and malovelent stares swam before my eyes,
I looked ahead determinedly,
Refusing to bend down to their antagonism,
Then suddenly, i felt something on my crown,
Stinging pain laced with raw fear raced to my brain,
I fell, only to receive two blows on my back,
I tried to look up, but I can't,
Why, oh why?
Why me?
Can't you see that I am you?
I wish to be seen, to be heard, to be loved,
You treat me as though I'm a sin, a shame,
But I am not, no!
I am you, the you that you have deserted,
Hunger for lust, eager for attention,
You betrayed me,
You left me,
You didn't bother helping me,
But just stared ahead,
You didn't laugh with the rest,
You didn't cry even as I watched,
You stood there like a statue,
Unmoving,
I cried inside,
For a sister that I've never had,
How could you?

As I felt my life seeping away,
I made a last wish,
For you to hug me,
Cherish me, love me,

As I watched the stars swimming, and darkness consuming me,
I closed my eyes and smiled bitterly,
For my life would just end now,
An empty shell for no reason to live.