I don't get it..are human minds really that fickle? is it true that once you have moved on, you won't look behind, not even to your friends? Are true friendship really impossible? It's unfair really. I don't care if you're old or young, stupid or brilliant. I just want a simple friendship from you. One that will never falter even when time flies rapidly. One that does not trash the other simply because he or she is already in the 'cool' gang. One that never backstabs...
I guess friends are truly fickle. You will never know when they will leave you depressed, or when will they knife your heart. It is possible that there is never a true friend around. Not here at least...
In less than two weeks, my birthday will arrive. But somehow, I feel more depressed at that thought rather than joyous. Why? It's because I have lost the meaning to celebrate it with a few of my good friends. Silly excuses crop up, and I even had to 'babysit' a friend's sister just to get her out. Pathetic, isn't it? Or perhaps it is just me. I'm that pathetic loser I suppose. All I want is a simple celebration with my friends, but I guess that's just a too tall order for them. Yeah, I suppose I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.I know..I know... But that is just me, easily hurt, easily angered, easily irritated. And totally vulnerable. I wish I was not born this way, and that I was as cold-hearted as the frozen ice and storm. At least that way, I don't give a damn on how people think about me, what I should do to please them, and be sensitive over my emotions at each underlying double-edged words spoken by them.
I really hate this. It's really making me feel as though I'm losing my control over my emotions. Or perhaps I already had...

I'm so sleepy~!!! Heh..met up with Syed and Sze Hoong last Friday, and boy was that ever fun~!! Hahahaa....kinda remind me of those good ol' days...with Sze Hoong not acting like a spoilt brat or something.LoLx. Hmm...what did I basically do during this weekend? Eat,sleep(rarely though!),watch TV, but mostly....glued in front of my PC!! hahahaha...i'm so damn addicted to my computer man!! Can't wait to get myself a laptop next year. Let's just hope my savings would be enough then, or I'll just hafta find a part time work for it!! Okay,I can't chat long...need to sleep soon.Having school tomorrow and hafta face that bloody prefects again! Sigh...How I wish I needn't go to school...

I don't know what's wrong with me these days.My emotions are turbulent and my thoughts are all in chaos. I really hate it when this happens. The feeling of abandonment. The feeling of unappreciated. Let's face it; I'm not meant to be anyone's girl. I'm not worthy enough to be with someone I like..or even love. It's not as though I have a choice anyway..he is already happy with what he has, so why should I disrupt his happiness for my own selfish needs? If he is happy, then so be it. I'll just be the friend that will stay close by, no more. After all,who am I to blame for my own careless fling? Who else can I blame for losing my heart that easily, again and again, only to be squashed and tormented right in front of me on the spot? Sigh..I really do have a lousy taste for men, haven't I? Ah well...I'll just leave my heart as cold as ice next time...if I can that is. I really can't take the hurt and strain anymore. It affects me too much...makes me feel..unloved and unwanted.
A friend of mine (Beckie!) once said, "everyone got something special about themself, and that includes you. I've known you for quite some time already, and I can say that you are a very special person. You're comfortable to be with and very approachable. Your generosity also makes people happy to be your friend. I'm sure you'll be appreaciated one day!"
Well, Beckie, you have no idea how wrong you can be. Firstly, yeah, so what I'm approachable and all those crap? It just makes ppl take advantage of me even more anyway. And secondly, those are the traits for a good FRIEND only...which I really hope I am anyway. Like I said earlier...I'm doomed to spinsterhood anyway..

*Sigh* I have just wasted precious time doing basically nothing at all in school today! No teachers, no studies, no nothing! Hmm..I should be celebrating by then, no stress or whatsoever-but I'm not. Why? Weell...I guess it's because I need that stress to carry on in my studies. I need that particular stress to motivate me in studying..and to ensure that my mum won't nag at me for not studying! But anyway, I just wanted to get out from the boredom in school. Heck, I'd rather stay at home and start spouting poetries or something that to sit dazedly staring at the blank ceiling above me in my classroom. Then again, anything would be better than a classroom.
Ah well, I'm home now anyway. Just had my lunch a few moments ago. I wanted to cook instant mee, but nooo...mum wanted takeaway. So I had to drag my bum all the way up to change, grab my purse, and head off to get her her lunch. *sigh* And I'll be dragging my bum away pretty soon. In a few hours time I'm off to Sunway Pyramid for my mum's routinely massage there. Which means I'll be spending another lonesome hour doing hab-sho-lute-ly NOTHING! I don't even want to window shop man..I just want one thing..and I know I can never get it anyway. It's too far from my grasp *sigh*
I seem to be sighing alot, am I? Heh, ah well..it's my blog, I get to rant and rave all I want. Anyway, gotta go now. Sims 2 is beckoning me to start my cutesy yet troublesome family! Hahahaha....

Yet another day has passed...dragging me into futility as I watched myself falling deep in the swirling mess. My studies are dying, my body is so damn sick, and my mind is constantly tortured with turbulent thoughts. *sigh* Studied chemistry and maths today, or rather, tried to study. Don't think much had entered my rain,especially my maths. I gotta find some motivation soon or I'm dead meat. Hmmm...I wonder if he will help me with it...
Well, yesterday when someone told me that she actually read my blog, I was kind of surprised. I seriously did not expect anyone to actually read any of my draggy posts, except for als perhaps, but even she rarely read my blog anyway. Ah well, to expose myself here is so much better than to expose myself in reality. Especially when I am so unsure of how I would react to that.
People always think that I'm jovial and carefree..but am I really all that? I always ponder on this. Am I really that friendly, or am I just a two-faced bitch? Hmmm.....Part of me thinks that the latter is true, and hope that it is not true anyway. But the other part of me...well...it's still under conflict right now. No one can really tell if I'm really that mad, or whether I was joking back then. Then again, who could blame them? I've been hiding my feelings for so long since I can remember. Perhaps that is why I am not exactly a great girlfriend to begin with..*sigh*
Me and my problems..they never seem to end, do they? I guess everyone has their own batch of problems, but why must mine be so goddamn complicated? Damn....

I'm still sick..*sigh* yesterday..broke up with him..I'm not so sure whether I'm feeling sad, or glad. One thing's for sure..I am feeling GUILTY for it. Boy oh boy...When I told als about it,she just asked me how did he react. Well...he took it quite well...I think. Damn, I'm such a big softie. Note to self: never try this again. It SUX!! okla,lazy wanna type...so till next time.ciao~

I'm sick!!! Oh man,this is sooo sad!! I'm having the flu with my menstrual pains at the same time! Could life get any worse?? Oh wait, it already did. I was forced to enter the choir group again *sigh* and that my chem and maths are still so pathetic? Not helping! Sheesh! Ah well...I don't know what should I write in here today in the first place you know so I'll just crap a bit before I fall asleep.Ciao!! ^^

I don't know what is wrong with me. Why am I feeling suddenly depressed? Why is it that I am suddenly thinking about all of these things? Why am I suddenly feeling helluva guilty? Wait, maybe it's cause I AM guilty. Guilty of deception. I am actually feeling rather sick right now and tired,even though I can't sleep (it's 2.38am right now and I'm having school in less than 5 hours time!). I keep thinking about how selfish I am. All right, I won't speak the name out, but I have a feeling that anyone can guess who the heck I am talking about anyway.
I am feeling guilty and conscience-stricken. True, this is possibly mostly my fault anyway. I have led someone into believing that I have changed, and that I am ready to commit myself into something I am afraid of in the first place. And the worst part is, he believe me. This is going to be rather jumbled up but I'll just speak out anyway. Honestly, there is a part of me that won't stop loving him, even if I am not sure what sort of love. And I really wish that I could really commit myself with him. But the truth is, I am very afraid to do so. Not sure why though. But come to think of it, the previous men (they sound more sophisticated that saying 'boys' anyway) I've been with are rather happy-go-lucky and understanding in nearly all ways. I feel really at home with them, though I can't say about my first since I have been feeling awkward with him a lot. Andy, however, was better. Perhaps it is because we are just couples by name and not in reality that I can mix with him well. Seriously.
I think my real problem here is that I am not suitable with him. I don't know how to say this...put it this way, I am like the oil when he is the water. We do not mix. True, he is a good guy, too good actually, and I don't want to hurt him. But if I think back properly, I do not really talk to him much anyway...Oh man, I am really frightened now. I don't know what to do, honestly. I want to tell him how much he means to me, but I do not want this to continue..but I'm afraid of his reaction. On the other hand, I can't lie to him...not like this...Damn, what am I to do? I can't sleep cause of this...and I'm really scared of what will happen if I tell him. Damn Damn Damn....