Phew! My IU Day is finally OVER!!! Muahahaha...That means I am free of all duties of that stressful club! But oh man, did I ever work hard for it! Well, last Saturday (when the IU Day had taken place), I reached The Summit USJ at about 11.15am, all thanks to the stupid traffic jam. Well, there wasn't much to do then, except to sit and stay at the piano shop with my friends while waiting for the hall to open up. When it finally did, the decorations and equipments too up more than an hour to set up! Oh man oh man, imagine me running around like an idiot finding people et cetera wearing high heels that are (I think) about 3inches high! Talk about sore legs later!
My performance seriously sux at that time! I will admit that, since I did not practice as much as I hoped I could, plus that my friend played the base a trifle bit too LOUD! It seriously drowned the sound of the piano and the violin! Oh dear! Anyway, during the whole event, all I really did was running from one point to the other ushering other performers to be prepared and so on. Wow, my feet really hurt at that time! Thank goddess I brought flats along with me, or my feet are most probably in casts now! I even banged my leg a few times against the stupid amplifier while hurrying around! Sheesh...
But the again, on the good side, I managed to grab hold of two of my cherished friends: Ayu and Syed. Yeah, yeah. To those that are actually reading this blog of mine, do note that Syed is my FRIEND, and it really hurts me when you talk bad about him. REALLY! But what can I say, I'm a big softie, as Steffie used to say. I let others step on me too easily *sigh* Ah well...
That day was rather memorable for me cause I really did get to meet Syed and Ayu once more. We chatted and chatted like really old pals, which we were actually, except for the fact that Syed and Ayu had just met on that day itself! It was really great to meet the both of them again, after so long, and guess what? I don't give a damn on what others think about me and Syed anymore! Let them think what they want, but I will never risk a great friend like him for something as pathetic as petty gossip! Ahh, I'm being to defensive again. Who cares, as though anyone would actually read this blog of mine. It's too 'inferior' anyway to them...

I am rather irregular at writing my blog these days. Perhaps it is because I had vowed not to touch the broadband connection during the weekdays, and perhaps it is because I am too busy handling the IU day this coming Saturday. Anyway, my mum has been pretty weird lately. She keeps on grumbling and nagging. Not that it is nothing new, but why the heck must she bring up my dad's name each time she grumbles?? Each and everytime she does that, I would pretend that I did not listen. What can I say, I hate it whe his name crops up. Besides, I don't want to cry or anything in front of her. I don't know how to say this, but I really do't like it when someone uses the name of my dad to sort of blackmail me emotionally, even if it is my mum. Haihz, dunnola...
Anyway, my emotions are really screwed this time. I don't know what to do or where to go...*sigh* Oh yeah, there was a rather annoying fight last thursday. I had forgotten to blog about it. As usual, Nicholas was the cause of the situation. Now why can't he control his temper? I mean, his points are good, I'll admit that (even if I did not admit that before!), but it is just the way he expresses them-it is like he is fighting about it, not pointing it out. Haihz, at least all is rather well now, though somewhat strained. Hopefully all will go well till IU day, then I don't give much of a damn anymore. Plus, I can look at my studies and say, 'no more diversions!' Oh dear, it's getting late, and I got school tomorrow! I'll try to blog tomorrow, if possbible! Bye~~

Okay, this emotions of mine is really driving me CRAZY! Not only am I to face the terrible conscience of mine, I'm supposed to even sacrifice my feelings for everyone else? Give me a break, people...can't you at LEAST try to get along for me? Or is that just too selfish of me to ask. And what the heck is this about one asking me to accompany the other, and the other ignoring me most of the time anyway? Not that I care much, since I prefer being on my own anyway, but HELL!! Please don't take me as a person that is so willingly able to sacrifice her time for anyone anywhere. Puh-leaze man! I may be a pushover at all times, but don't test my limit. I have my own line of endurance too you know...
So my big day is coming soon..No, it's not my birthday. It's my very own first International Understanding Day a.k.a. IU Day. Why is this day special to me? Well, there are two reasons for it. Firstly, as the IU Director, I am more or less jointly in charge of this event (we're merging with another school for this event). And secondly, I will be playing in a small orchestral band as one of the performers there. I really wish that two of the important people to me would come, but I know for sure that they will kill me if I invite the both of them. Which then refers back to my first complain up there. They can't even cooperate for my sake, huh? Guess it's just too much to ask from simple, dumb ol' me. Ah well, I should be immune to this by now anyway.
Another thing that bothers me quite a lot is that I can't seem to be able to commit myself in a relationship. And now I'm in a dilemma. Should I just let it go, or should I just try my best to commit? Or am I just not ready? I am the type that will forget to contact anyone, unless I'm needed to, and I rarely contact anyone when I am free either-unless that I'm bored I mean. And these days, I seriously rarely contact anyone at all, not even to my best friend nor my lil bro. So, how can I explain that to HIM? I mean, I do understand that he might feel hurt that I did not bother to try and contact him or whatsoever, but that is just who I am...I really don't know what to do now...Should I just break it off?
So now, my emotions are on overload...my work is overloading pretty much. And they ask me why am I forever so happy-go-lucky. What can I say, I hate letting people know how I really feel. Now I know how it really feels to be depressed. So depressed that I feel like dying now. But I won't do anything so dumb like slicing my wrist cause of this. No, the worst that would happen is that I would merely lock myself in my room for quite some time, or to shout and scream by using a pillow to muffle the noise. Perhaps Steffie was right, I am such a big softie. So pathetic and useable.

It's the first day of school today, and it sucks. I did nothing but gazing dreamily into space...about nothing at all. My workload is increasing, and I just failed my chem. Not that it's anything new but still...Sigh..Anyway,today..I feel weird. Heck, don't say today only, I've been feeling weird for a long time now. I don't know what to think and what to say anymore...I'm too afraid to feel, but I'm even more afraid to confess. I'm in a crossroad now; to take the road or not to. *Sigh* why can't life be super simple? Why can't I stay as an infant for good? Now what can I do to kill this problem....I won't be crapping much today for I think I'm having a bit of writer's block now. Just finished 17pages of my latest chapter in my fanfiction, and a few pages of itenary work for Interact Club. Brain freeze...brain freeze....hey, wait a minute! Ain't brain freeze for those that had eaten too much ice cream?? Hmmm....

It has been awhile since I last wrote here. Didn't do much anyway during this hols. I've been playing TS Online for nearly 24/7. I guess I'm pretty addicted to that game...But then again, I doubt if I can play it that much once school starts, so why not play my heart's content right now? Yeah, right! As if my mum will let me. She's been nagging at me nonstop about my studies. Yeah, yeah, I know that it's my bad. It's understandable. Every mom would sure want her children to excel. But man, how I WISH I can just play that game until I'm thoroughly satisfied!
Oh yeah, my depression's coming in again. I think this time it's pretty bad. I won't talk to my friends, not even to those that are close to me. I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it my conscience? Or is it my own wild imagination? Why do I always get the feeling that I'm betrayed, or sometimes, that I am left in the dark? I don't know where to turn to anymore. Every path I see is just as gloomy as the other. True, there is no such thing as an easy road, unless you count deceit and spite. But I'd rather avoid that. Oh man, my emotions are so mixed up! I'm afraid to burst out, cause I'm afraid that I'll hurt anyone. Steffie said I'm a big softie, that is why people keep on taking advantage of me. Is that true? Somehow, deep inside me, I think that's true too. But I can't help it. It's me. It's me since I had my huge fight with Als. How can I stop this feeling? Is this emotion a curse or a blessing? I really don't know. I might be able to spare other people from this tumbling emotions, but what about me? Does anyone actually think about how I would feel? Do they even care? Do they even know how hard is it to live it up? Do they know that I always wear a mask when I'm with them? Do they know that I'm just a big coward, and not a brave, reckless girl as they call me sometimes? Do they know anything? No, I doubt it. I doubt it all. No one knows me, and no one shall ever do. I am just me, and I can't change that fact. Perhaps I'm just meant to be alone, lock out from the society, live in the dark. Yes, perhaps that is better off for me. Perhaps it would be best to sever ties with everyone. But...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what would happen if I do. I'm being selfish, yes, but I can't cope up anymore. Oh, I really don't know what to do anymore...

My life is in a mess. I don't know what to do anymore,where to go and how to survive it. Myriads of emotions assault me daily, from acute depression to sudden flares of temper. What is wrong with me? How can I lessen this burden of mine? What can I do? I don't know who to turn to anymore, I don't know where to go to now. I feel so confused. Each and everyday I question myself: What am I doing here? Why am I supposed to be like this?
I used to think I have the gift of conscience more than anyone else. Why do I think so? It's because each and everytime I try to hurt someone, whether on purpose or not, I will feel something inside me. It was almost as if I was that person I was hurting, and that I know how it felt. Crazy, huh? But it's true. Perhaps that is why I rarely try to hurt anyone, no matter how bitchy he or she is. But then again, keeping everything to myself is bad, really bad. Somehow it reminds me abit of the anime Sailormoon I read some time back then. She carried the burden of responsibility and her own turbulent emotions. Am I really like that, or am I just giving myself too much credit? I do not know...But I wish it would all just disappear...Will this all end if I just end my reality?